One thing I have realized in my journey through these years-Life is not hunky dory for anybody.
We all fall, struggle, fail and then some of these many days, we need to make a decision. To give up or stand up and fight it all over again. When somebody asks me,what made me who I am today. One word describes me the best- Resilience.
Having to deal with struggles from Childhood, those struggles that we are asked to not talk about. Those that as a child I was asked to hide. I know, like me many go through it and not many speak about it. But I choose to speak. I have been through SEXUAL ABUSE.. It’s not easy to open up, but if ever somebody confides in you, about it, do try to JUST LISTEN and not judge. Hug if need be, but ASK if you could hug them.
It might seem like I am looking for attention, but wait, don’t judge me. It took lot of strength to even accept it. Lot of masking emotions, struggling to ask for help. Lot of guilt and blaming myself. I still don’t understand what kept me going when I wanted to give up. Depression and anxiety are my close friends and nightmares, my acquaintance. When I tell my close circle of people, I was a polo addict (mint with a hole) for 15 long years, they laugh. I laugh too, for a different reason and that is because I could finally give it up.
Books became my best friend in my school, while I was ignored by my classmates. Why wouldn’t they? I was a failure. Repeating my 9th standard. Luckily, I have had great teachers who inspired me to become a better person when I grow up, but also help them grow, who can’t, all by themselves.
In my college I choose those subjects that I liked. Arts. Finished my 12th with ‘The best Library user Award’ on the Graduation day. I then appeared for my degree with all that strength I could gather. Thankfully, I got good exposure to open minded people and the subjects I was sure,I would excel at. I don’t mean the numbers. But the practicals. My subjects included Performing Arts( Dance & Theatre), Psychology & Visual Communication( Photography, film making, editing, Print media, etc)
My solo trip to Jaipur, has taught me so much. So many experiences and so much love. Which I cannot describe only in words. It has taught me my lessons, but also made me mature enough to learn what I needed to. If ever you get to meet my best friends( and I mean humans) or even people who I have shared my experience about this trip to, you would know what it really made me into.
Through all that I have shared, I haven’t really told you what my relationship with my ‘SELF’ is. I have evolved. From hating myself to trying to love, from neglecting to giving time to myself, from hurting to caring about who I am. It hasn’t been easy at all. It never will. But digging into myself, learning and being there for myself has made me who I am today, Certainly with the long list of people who were there for me, loved me, inspired and encouraged me, hurt me , left me, broke me and thought I could never stand up again. To all of these people, a big heartfelt, thank you- and know that I will always strive to make me better, with your LOVE. And to the people who broke me- big thank you to you all. Only when I hit my rock bottom, was I able to push myself to sculpt a better me.
My experiences have pushed me to start a support group for survivors of sexual Abuse, where expressing oneself is the key, which not many survivors are able to, and mostly men stay away from doing this, fearing that they will be laughed at. Engage In You is the platform where survivors express themselves through Creative mediums like dance, theater, art, reading , writing, etc. Together we create a safe space for these experiences to be shared and support each other through their journeys in a judgement free zone.
Right now I work at The Better India, Though it doesn’t have to be a big deal. It is for me. Reminds me of the long way I have travelled.
To get in touch with me, do drop me a mail at email@example.com