5
Jan

Bleeding Roses – Pariksha Onta

How does it feel when you are with someone you’ve known for so long- your first friend in nursery, and your first love falls for you too. Its all butterflies and rainbows and you realize what “home is not in the place but with the person you love” is.
Suddenly this peaceful and quite house is threatened by broken trust and insecurities.
13 years of friendship and 3 years of bond, shattered and turning into a toxic relationship is very hard to overcome.
They say that love happens only once, others are just compromise. I thought so too, but realized-better late than never that how can this be love?

 

 

The initial “lovey dovey” phase didn’t last long.  He cheated on me and blamed me for his actions. ‘He loved me. He loved me until he found someone else to.’
Actions lie louder than  words and this is how I  found out what he was up to. I caught hold of his cell phone somehow, went through the texts, and then all those lies he told made sense.
I was angry, confused and in a dilemma for I did not know what to do next. I hated him, for all the lies and more than that, verbally abusing and making me feel worthless- yet the love for him remained. We fought that day-so much that he tried strangling me, his finger nails pressed deep on my neck and pinned me to the wall. I could see the rage in his eyes and can still hear him saying how much he wished to see me dead.

 

 

My perfect little imaginary home came crashing down.
Months passed by,  wounds healed by scars remained. I still loved him. No wonder I call myself stupid.
 My past came back to me after 6 months. Was I too naive or was I too blind in love? I don’t know. But I decided to give him another chance.
A snake changes its skin but can never change its nature. The same applied to him.
I came to India to pursue my undergraduate and he went to Australia. A year after, he started acting strangely and I knew what was coming ahead. He broke up with and I was devastated but this time was prepared for this.
I guess this was the real him, taking me as an option until he found someone else.

 

I was tired of dealing with his frequent mood swings, giving in effort to make this relationship work, and his for granted attitude towards me. I felt disgusted of him and  the entire notion of falling in love.I was relieved but at the same time felt hollow inside.
It felt like a heavy burden was left ashore; I felt very light, and not the good one. I  started living in flashbacks and could not seem to come to terms with reality.
But in the end, you can’t make a chapter your story, can you?

Pariksha Onta

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