A Journey To My Self – Pallavi MarwahFebruary 23, 2018
DISCLAIMER: The writer of this expedition is a second year Literature Student. She is a constant learner, who loves people, things, places and experiences. She is also a participant of slam poetry and has hereby presented excerpts from her poems, her art being an expulsion of the innermost emotions. Through this, she has attempted to make her reader feel what she felt throughout her journey to understand it better.
“Hey, do I know you?
You seem to be a familiar face
From the other side of the mirror
Hey I think I have met you before!
In those many ugly pictures
Hey, you have a familiar name
Which I know that I know
But I can not proclaim
It’s such a disgrace”
It’s not just a transformation of the body, it’s a reprogramming of the conscious.Weight loss hasn’t been a pound difficult, when I reflect upon what it took to shape up my thoughts, feelings, emotions, the mind. It’s a training of the mind. Each thought either adds on to or takes away from the process. It’s the awakening of the unscious conscious, the sleepening of self-loath and hatred, peacefully sent off, but by a lullaby. The dream to be or not to be. The journey to discover and then force out from within, something, for it to shine. The confidence. The beauty.
Body Talk : An Apology To My Body
I’m so worthless
I look so pathetic
I’m so fat
I’m so ugly
And I hate myself.
Mirror-mirror can’t you see?
What you show is killing me?
I am so tired, of hating my body now
My heart is like all muscle without Armour
And it keeps getting hit by people, by words, by experiences
But, you know what I’ve realized lately?
I need to apologize to my body,
Cauz that’s where the healing begins
Still sometimes, when I need to meet the me that loves me,
I can’t find her
or remind her that the mirror is meant to be
So that I could find her in my mind
but when she shouts, “Let me out”,
we’re allowed to listen!!!
We all have a story to tell, we are all persons made up of our circumstances, some build us up, others push us down.
A push, as a ragged doll beaten up. One side to the other. Thump after thump. One after the other. To alter it inch after inch.
Yes, it was a push of an experience too. Things happened, and I started to feel a chemical rush inside my body. Everything started to storm up, no holding together. The pieces of my heart started to disintegrate, asking me questions.
Do I deserve to feel this way?
Do I deserve to be here?
In this present state of affairs?
Change for yourself.
Then, I asserted a promise to myself. This time, fuck all the failed attempts of occassionally strolling in the park, casually cheating meals, and cheating myself, LET’S DO IT!
Let’s show the world.
The universe within. It’s time.
Putting up also those shattered pieces of my heart, one here, another there, tying them all up along with the knot of promise and tightening it a little more, still more and done.
You cried today?!
Because you asked,”Mom,why am I so ugly?
What to do about it?”
When did you become so weak?
You think,not having attention around,makes you less beautiful?
Baby girl, there is beauty even in your flaws!
Why don’t you realize,that you look so perfect,just the way you are?
But don’t you agree,things happen at the right time? It will take time.But it will happen.
Enjoy with/without whatever you have/don’t have.
Love yourself.PLEASE,for heaven’s sake,love you.
Fat is not what you are.It’s just what you have.And you can get rid of it,if you hate it.Don’t eat unhealthy foods.Be careful about what you put inside your mouth.That is going to define your body.
Always remember,you are still a masterpiece,while being a work in progress!
9 months. 35 kgs. 1 kg/week.
One day at a time.1200 calories. Junk, no junk. Fruits.Green Tea.100s of songs.
Litres of water. Miles of walking. A combination of exercises. Mirror.
Oh Mirror. That mirror is where the power lies. It’s miraculous. It’s wonderful.
It can make you believe in things you never thought were possible. It can make you believe in you! Your ‘scars’, your ‘imperfections’, your ‘dark circles’, it is capable of ‘enlightening’ your soul. Oh mirror. My dear mirror.
.………and here I begin to ponder
Only in the middle of the four walls of my room
Oh,how caging but at the same time relaxing is this space
On one hand, it confines
On the other, it is divine
For staying here,within,doesn’t require
me to doll up, and impress
I am as me as I am even in my pyjamas
Even with my hair tied up messy and oiled
There’s nobody to claim that I need to look this way or that
Or that I don’t have love in my life for I am not pretty enough?
Well, it has taken me a long while to understand that I am everything.
I am pretty, I am enough.
For, she can’t do her liner the way I do
For, she can’t be me, and she is enough too
These walls aren’t relaxing any more
They want me to come out of them
They are calling me home
Now, I feel like a calm ocean. My waves flowing towards me. One at a time. No storms.No more drowning. Only bliss. I have found me. This is what I am. This is me. I have met myself. The journey shall continue, and with tides and showers of self love and care,
my ocean will get deeper.
.…..To each one of you who feels the same way as I do,
My friend I need to tell you that
you have to remember that
you’re the only thing you’ll ever have
and NO,I don’t mean your body because
someday that’ll go bad no matter what you do
I mean YOU
I mean the way your bright eyes go wild when you smile
& how your laugh is so melodic, it’s a song,
I mean the way your creativity is a compass that leads you to what you love
& you don’t need any beauty cream to keep your passions high
Or diet pills to slim your kindness down
& when you start to drown
in these petty expectations
you’ve gotta re examine the miracle of your existence
because you’re worth so much more than your
you’re worth the beautiful thoughts you think
you’re worth the daring dreams you dream,
You’re god damned treasure however it may seem
So, don’t let your mind bully your body,
Your body hears everything your mind says
Self-love, self-worth, self-acceptance
should ring louder in your mind than the expectations placed on you by the society
so obsessed with the body image
& lacking in the knowledge
that your true worth comes from
……I AM HOME.